I didn't forget about you.
In fact, I've been thinking a lot about you. I know that you're not surprised that I fell off the wagon in writing these letters. Remember that having an idea is not the same as a goal or a task. You're blessed with creativity and generosity. Those are part of what define you but you don't have to feel guilt for saying no. Your job is to figure out what you can give and what you can do to be the best, happiest version of yourself. This is what will make the impact. This is how you can change course.
Remember how you want to feel. Own it. Be it.
And when you don't know, stop and write yourself another letter. Day dream. Take a bath. Plunge into the ocean. Do something ballsy.
You're already a writer. You're already an artist. You're already accomplished. You're already spiritual. You're already healthy. You're already safe. You're already what you need to be. Don't be in a hurry to get where you want to go. Where you want to go can change. Life can teach you something new in an instant. It had many times before and I'm certain that it will many times again. The world will go on without you and change. You don't have to catch it. You don't even need to push it. All you have to do is pay attention and let go so the winds can carry you. Easier said... I know.
Already since the last time I wrote you my hopes for you have changed. I don't really know what you'll be doing but I hope you feel free. I hope you are respected and loved. I hope you're not stuck up your own ass. I hope you get a chance to speak your mind when you need to. I hope you flow with the currents with joy. I hope you've mastered the mother sauces.
Don't forget that it's important to look back too. Know the difference between being stuck on the past and just seeing how far you've come. Get nostalgic and feed it. Put on Melody Gardot, light some candles, take a bath and think on the many places you've been and the people who've crossed your path. Remember that night with Denise? Of course you do. Remember the memory of playing in Sanchiri? How big the world looked. How giant that slide was. How fascinating the pieces of moss on a bark were. Go find someone. It'll make you feel at home wherever you are. This is important. Seeing where you've been will help you move forward. It's a dance.
Right now, I'm thinking of the times that really hurt. Mostly, how you blamed your mom for everything for so long. You were so angry. Those wounds took a long time to heal because she couldn't see them. They might even still be healing. You're not mad because of what she did. It's because you didn't feel she loved you---words and actions are very different in weight. Even though you know someone's motivations intellectually who knows if you'll ever be able to truly feel them. And even if you can't every time you try to forgive, you take a step closer to your own emotional freedom. You should reach out. It might actually feel good. It might even feel safe.
You are never truly alone. You have so much to give but sometimes you don't see it. You're so concerned with how others are feeling that it's easy not to sense your own suffering until it burns. Both emotionally and physically. Take care of yourself like you would the most precious thing. You are all I've got, after all.
I love you.
I care about you.
I want you to feel free.